Your invitation to my pity party...

I know that there is a time and place for everything but lately my mind and emotions are nearly drained on a regular basis.  There are many things that take up the time and space are things that are out of my control.  There is nothing that I wouldn't do for many people but when it comes to myself I am at the bottom of the totem pole AND if I was truly honest with myself I believe I am at the bottom of the totem pole of the other people in my life.  Whether it is by words, actions or just my own perceptions I just want to sleep and eat...you can tell by my weight gain that I haven't cared an iota for myself.  Eating my feelings so that others can't see how my heart aches.

I am forever scheduling around other people's wants and needs, back burner for the things that I want to do and sometimes even what I need to do!  Maybe it is all the years where I just took on the role of the taxi driver, party planner, team mom and coach...I loved all of those moments and maybe just due to my own barren womb it was sometimes met with a mix of emotions.  People could slap in my face the whole "You knew what you were getting into...", this isn't about the kids though, it's not.  It's 100% about me.  I don't think it hit me until the oldest moved out that I don't have one that will always be with me.  Now with the youngest one making plans for the future I think the writing on the wall got even bigger...neon in fact.  Being a Childless Stepmom (yes, I didn't even know that there was a term for that!) I realized that there is a chance that my life could be one that I couldn't even imagine!  You see, when things aren't what is expected the stress level increases to the point that all I want to do is cuddle with the dog.  I often wonder if my heart wouldn't ache so much if I never knew what having a child in my home felt like.  I never knew real love until I got married and was lucky enough to have 2 step kids BUT I never knew real heartache either until those two things happened either!

You see it is about my heart, my emotions and my terribly mixed up mind that swirls with the "what ifs".  I just want peace, peace of mind and body.  If I could only just still my mind, still my soul and figure out what needs to happen so that I can look into the space of time and not be so nauseatingly nervous.  Nervous about whether or not our foundation is strong enough, nervous about if I will be needed or wanted as a step-parent, nervous about the uncertainly that is in my mind.  What if I do or say something that will drive a wedge between what I love more than anything?

This season of the holidays I am mindful of the picture perfect image of so many of us, of so many families and although I don't want to invite everyone to this pity party of mine, I know in my heart that I am not the only one that feels this way,  I just want what my heart needs, peace.

Today is a celebration!

Today at church the pastor began a series of #'s.  Yes, hashtags as that is the symbol of our world today.  I was truly moved by the reminder of #struggling when you see someone else's life online. Whether or not it is someone posting a great time with their partner, their kids, a vacation, new car, etc., it is possible that we being to doubt our own happiness and our own success when compared to another's.  It is possible that we begin to want what is not ours and begin to want what others have.  Maybe we try to change our own living so that we can live in another's shoes or begin to look at what we have been blessed with as second-hand!

There are so many examples of this with me.  I love our fun house but when I see other beautiful homes there are those moments that I think...hmm I want that!  There is a lot that I would change about my home, update the bathrooms, redo the deck and patio, put a heater in our pool...but instead of this I am called to NOT look to what others have and to be content with what I have.  Because if I am honest, I have it pretty well.

Are there areas of my life that I would change?  Would there be relationships that I would want to strengthen and improve?  Would there be areas of my life that I should be healthier in?  The answer is yes of course!  

I say in my heart that I would be willing to do anything to improve these areas but is that the truth? My actions say otherwise.  I am afraid of rejections, failure and the truth is so much tougher when I think that maybe there is a reason that the relationships are different, maybe I am to do something else but instead of asking what that other thing is I wallow in the "what ifs".

So why the title?  Well, on this day a person I cherish is getting married while another that I cherish is burying yet another family member due to cancer a sister that is taking on a huge life changing journey, a daughter that is finding her way and of course mine, a journey through self-doubt and bravery.  I certainly don't have all the answers...heck I barely have the answers I need!  So today, today of all days, I am reminded to love my life, with all of it's flaws and perfections, I am reminded to love others, and to look for the morning when thankfully His mercies and grace is renewed!

Deep roots

My mind has been swirling the last few weeks about so many things. I was trying to narrow down maybe one or two things so here is my attempt!

1.  Why are we so quick to judgment? Lately I have tried to slow my thinking down when someone tells me something. Even the most routine or mundane thing can make me question even Mother Teresa!  It isn't fair to them or myself to expect them to think the best of me when I am quick to turn my mind to selfish negativity! Could be that I lack the steel willpower to gird myself against those thoughts that keep me down or it could be my lack of trust in others that they wouldn't hurt me. Whatever it is I decided to address this head on. Truth is I don't like feeling this way I don't like feeling like I am less than or not good enough but really I want to believe the best of others. Some may ask...what happened? I would have to say nothing really, maybe just an epiphany that I have heart issues. Heart issues that have roots so old they are wrapped around my very soul, the roots weren't ripped out when I was a child and so they have grown like a nasty weed like ivy twisting and invading every part of my psyche. These roots, like the ones in our yards, need intentional work to eradicate for without specific attention they will quickly grow back. So how do I get this root out? Painful digging at my core, addressing the cause (once I find it) and then allowing myself to search out support in the journey to why. That is how I will start...

2.  This one is tougher than the first as when you bare your soul you are opening yourself up the true ugly parts of who you are. There are things I believe are internal that if others see you that way your truth is out.  I was thinking about this as I have had a rough time with someone ( no not a relative!!) and I have been wondering if they see themselves as I see them. The answer has to be no as I wouldn't think they would want to be that person. But maybe with me they don't care...is that true of us all? Are we nice, loving and supportive to those we genuinely care about or who we need something from and don't care about our tone or words to those that have no real purpose in our lives. This is a deep thought for me as I try and connect thought one and this thought together. I would hope I live my life as one that gives warmth, meaning and love to those around me but what if I am not? What then? How do I know?

Not an easy past few weeks but I will keep at it, keep looking for those moments I can dig at that root and those moments when I can sit and truly be introspective of my own words that they bring life and not darkness.

Deep roots

My mind has been swirling the last few weeks about so many things. I was trying to narrow down maybe one or two things so here is my attempt!

1.  Why are we so quick to judgment? Lately I have tried to slow my thinking down when someone tells me something. Even the most routine or mundane thing can make me question even Mother Teresa!  It isn't fair to them or myself to expect them to think the best of me when I am quick to turn my mind to selfish negativity! Could be that I lack the steel willpower to gird myself against those thoughts that keep me down or it could be my lack of trust in others that they wouldn't hurt me. Whatever it is I decided to address this head on. Truth is I don't like feeling this way I don't like feeling like I am less than or not good enough but really I want to believe the best of others. Some may ask...what happened? I would have to say nothing really, maybe just an epiphany that I have heart issues. Heart issues that have roots so old they are wrapped around my very soul, the roots weren't ripped out when I was a child and so they have grown like a nasty weed like ivy twisting and invading every part of my psyche. These roots, like the ones in our yards, need intentional work to eradicate for without specific attention they will quickly grow back. So how do I get this root out? Painful digging at my core, addressing the cause (once I find it) and then allowing myself to search out support in the journey to why. That is how I will start...

2.  This one is tougher than the first as when you bare your soul you are opening yourself up the true ugly parts of who you are. There are things I believe are internal that if others see you that way your truth is out.  I was thinking about this as I have had a rough time with someone ( no not a relative!!) and I have been wondering if they see themselves as I see them. The answer has to be no as I wouldn't think they would want to be that person. But maybe with me they don't care...is that true of us all? Are we nice, loving and supportive to those we genuinely care about or who we need something from and don't care about our tone or words to those that have no real purpose in our lives. This is a deep thought for me as I try and connect thought one and this thought together. I would hope I live my life as one that gives warmth, meaning and love to those around me but what if I am not? What then? How do I know?

Not an easy past few weeks but I will keep at it, keep looking for those moments I can dig at that root and those moments when I can sit and truly be introspective of my own words that they bring life and not darkness.

Not a Mother but kind of...

I am not sure how many will understand or want to but today is not a celebration for me. I am blessed everyday with two kids that I was lucky enough to marry into but truth be known I will never be on an equal playing field with their mom and I don't expect to be. 
That's just it, this day as people were celebrating their moms I feel weird about that too. My mom and I are in a real good place now but we have not always been. For years my heart ached as I looked for unconditional love from others...especially from my friend's moms! So now as I hear stories of how people thank their moms for all these life lessons of love, I have very little to offer!

I had the opportunity to be an amazing aunt to so many angels, my friends trusted me with their kids and although I knew they loved me my heart always felt complete. That is until I began to get older and realized that society expects every one of us women to birth a child so we can prove our worth to society. I can't tell you how many times I have been asked why Chris and I never had kids...I now just tell them, he had two and I couldn't have any. I just don't get why that is asked.  Never will.

I guess if tables were turned I would've made a great mom, we will never know but I know this day will always be one that I will experience with trepidation not because of my own situation but because of my heart not knowing what to think or feel about my own motherhood.

Memories of Madness

Have you ever come across something and had an instant emotional reaction?  This has happened to me a lot in the past 6 months.  Whether it was a Lego Spider-man head, a lone sock, seeing a butterfly or even the smell of a rose.  

The heart is a funny thing that keeps a hold of memories in such a way that you can believe you are slowly moving towards healing or at least a moments where your heart forgets and the BAM!  There it is...the memories of laughter, joy and yes even sorrow come back like a flood.  I think of it as a flood and not a flash as floodwaters take a while to sink back into the ground and although they leave a trace that they were here it is unlike a flash where there is no evidence that it ever occurred.

Last night I had the most vivid dream where Jami was on a cruise ship with me.  We were laughing and running from the bottom of the ship where she was speaking French to everyone and they all were cracking up at her jokes that I had no idea what they were saying!  And then we would run up and knock on doors and invite everyone up to dinner.  It was at dinner though that I broke down crying...I wasn't sure why and no one seemed to realize that I was crying.  It seemed that I was a bystander in this dinner and yet I know I was sitting right next to her.  Jami went up and got a sheet cake and then we were off and running again asking people if they wanted a slice.  Weird right?  I mean what does it all mean?

My house felt weirdly warm this morning and I do believe that I needed this dream for a reason, I just am not too sure what for yet.  I will continue to wait and see what it means, and yet it may mean nothing but I will fight that as when our mind and hearts work together it is meant to cause us to pause and remember.

I do remember today the laughter of the children that have been in our home, Jami's joy of life and how much she meant to me, and my grandparents who had so many roses and the aroma of them brought me a centered feeling when I was there.

I have lost all three of these, the children have moved on, Jami is waiting for me in Heaven and I know my grandparents are busy smelling the roses in Heaven together.  I guess I have gained though as well.  I have gained wisdom that I am loved, that I do remember the joy and that the joy will come back around in a different form but yes, it will be back around.

Heartaches and headaches

The other day as we were traveling to yet another lacrosse game it came to mind that life is filled with wonders but also woes.  I have dear friends that have lost children, I can not think of a deeper wound that one could never recover from.  Loss of friends (check), loss of pets (check), loss of a child (       ).  Unfortunately some can check that box.  When a woman gives birth it must be the most amazing thing ever.  I for one wasn't one of those women that could give birth, some feel sorry for me and others are confused as to why I didn't fight, get tests, etc.  all I can say is that it is what it is.  After walking the path with these mothers and seeing firsthand the devastation of the loss all I can say is that there are no words.
Working in an elementary school now, my heart and eyes have been opened far more to the needs and physical touch that children need.  Whether it is from a parent or from another adult, none can be without and be whole.  That is what a child gives to us.  That unconditional need to be wanted and loved.  The loss of that child doesn't stop us from wanting and needing to love them, there is just this hole of what was.  I can see it in my friend's eyes, I can hear it in their words, there is a loss, a loss that no words can repair.  
I wonder how they get up in the morning, I wonder how they cling to their other children, I wonder if they ever stop looking for their child in the crowds that surround them.  How their heads must ache with the passing of time of what should have been, what could have been if only...
To be a friend is not a passing thing.  It is not a mere moment in time, it is the work of one heart to another to carry the other through the tough times and to walk alongside them when all others walk away.  This is a tough one as time marches on for all of us, whether we like it or not.  One of our lives seems stuck in quicksand feeling like we are being swallowed whole second by second while the other person is marching on with their necessary duties.  Being stuck is not the problem, it is feeling like everyone else has moved on.  

To my friends I would say that I haven't moved on, you are in my daily thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers are  not enough, I know, and all my life I will do my best to do right by you.  The time we do have with one another should be one of wonder and joy but when heartache and headaches come, let's cling to one another, let's make sure we know we have reached out and we have been loved.  Love is not fleeting, true love stands the test of time and that is how I love and remember those that have lost.  Loss of the gift that was given for just a time but leaves the memories of a lifetime, tears and memories that keep the heart beating through the heartache.

Where I am or where I should be?

Why does love hurt?

Love hurts in so many ways.  From an unanswered prayer to a roll of the eyes to a phone call not returned.  Love also hurts for me when another is hurting and I can't do anything about it.  I try and be there for people when they need me and to be honest there are times people don't need me they just need an ear to hear or another's arms to hug them.  Children for me are the ones that make my heart ache he most.  They are innocent victims to broken vows in a marriage, cancer striking a loved one or abuse that can not be explained.  Children are the ones that I know Jesus loves the most:

Mark 10:13-16

And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.

Jesus even encouraged us to  come to Him as children!  What does that exactly mean?  To me it means to go with no expectations, to go with an open heart, to go with pure love, a love that even when it is not returned or when it is abused, continues to love.

Working with abused children I have thought many times, "Why don't they hate their parent?"  It is because I believe children aren't born with this ability.  They must be taught to hate, to resent and ultimately to dispose of people.  These lessons turn us into the people we ultimately end up to be, hurt, devastated and guarded.  This is true across the multiple cultures we all live in.  The love of a father or mother to their children can not be replaced.

So as adults we can do our best all the while remembering that in all that we do and say we must be layering upon layering the true love, the undefiled love, the love that is full of grace not only unto those little ones around us but to each other.  For the eyes and ears of the little ones will be in just moments reenacting what they just saw and heard and I for one want a world that is full of grace and love not hurt and judgements.

In all, I believe love hurts because we care.  If we cease to care, we cease to love. 

 

Devastation Days

These are tough days. Whether it is the dark and cloudy weather, the stress of the days or memories of easier and younger days.  I dread these days, dread the memories and want only to rewind time and make things not what they are. I know it is not possible but I just want to crawl in bed and not come out until the first day of Spring.

Thought of the Day

Lessons in Life

I am not too sure what age I am going to be when I will finally learn that life is not meant to be an easy one.  There will be people that come and go, some that will leaving lasting memories and some that will leave lasting scars.  I never know which is which until time pasts and I can clearly see what impact they had on me.  The question is what impact did I have on them?  You see we never know that one!  We may guess that we were the one wronged, the one that was hurt, the one that in the end did no wrong...but do we ever ask that person?  Do we ever try to reconcile appropriately?  And how exactly do we do that?

You see I have that question in my heart today.  My question being what steps do I take?  What if there is no reconciliation?  What if there is no turning back and that person doesn't want me back? What then?  Is it easier just to walk away?  Turn your back and not ask the question?

I don't want to be the one that leaves scars.  I want to be the one that when people think of me they think of joy and happiness with a dash of adventure.  I don't want to be the one that their only memories are of disappointment, distrust and hurt.  I am not perfect, no one is bu I do want to be one that is allowed the opportunity to ask forgiveness as well reconciliation.  I don't know that everyone deserves forgiveness, Lord knows that there are things that people do that don't deserve any kind of grace or love.  My hope and prayer is that I never do something so heinous that I would be denied reentry in someone's life. 

If I have done such a thing I can only pray that I would be given the opportunity to beg forgiveness.

You see this is a question I have asked for years...this is a question that I believe many ask but only internally.  Asking this question outwardly opens one up to hearing what we don't or what we fear will be said.

I am going to take a leap of faith and begin this year to ask what it will take to to get that reconciliation, even if it means hearing the words I don't want to hear or the words I fear the most.

Mt top or Valley?

Why is it that there are days that I want to scream from the mountaintop and other days I want to lay low in the valley?  There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason although they both hurt equally when I realize that we aren’t meant to scream or to hide.  I remember growing up in a day that we were not bombarded with every bit of information out there.  We were able to get away from the every care of the world, enter our homes and be still.  Playing outside with friends, waiting until the streetlights came on and dinners that didn’t come out of a bag, that was my childhood.  All was not perfect though, some of us had deaths, cancer and abuse but as children we were limited to the amount of grief and information that was deemed healthy by our parents.

Today’s children are raised differently, really by no fault of society, parents or their own! They live in a world where the news never stops.  That means playing out in the street is dangerous, dinners out of a bag allows parents to drive their children to their many events and the death, cancer and abuse?  That is everywhere whether it be in video games, social media or the television, all seem never to shut off.  Babies that know how to swipe a phone with their finger to get to the next app, level or photo are being raised in a day and age where they will never know what it is like to be unplugged.  Schools even come to a halt when the internet is down!  Children are diagnosed with every kind of anxiety, allergy and behavior disorder and parents are grasping at straws to keep it all together knowing that even marriages are disposable and a majority of them statistically won’t make it.

This is a heavy order for all of us to take in.  Technology is not evil, the world is not evil, it is just different.  I often remark that my parents didn’t know where I was from 6am to 6pm but they trusted the people and the neighborhood to keep me from harm.  They trusted that the roots they planted in me would be what would keep me from wavering and most of all they trusted the world that they lived in.  My parents trusted that when I said I was going to Jami’s house that is where I went!  There wasn’t a way for them to gps me or to text me, they could have called but I am guessing they never did.  I knew that if I lied to them that there would be a breakdown of trust and I didn’t want to know what the consequences would have been.  Now, did I ever go where I wasn’t supposed to? Probably!  I of course would have been caught or found out but today’s kids have not only their parents watching their every move but also society and the world.

There is an ecard floating around that states “I am so thankful I did all my stupid stuff before the internet!”  How true!  No evidence could ever have been found unless my teacher or parent found a note that was written about what happened!  Film had to be developed and even then some photos were so grainy that they were thrown away!  I, as a 44 year old, feel such pressure at times to look a certain way, say the right words or to own the perfect thing so I can’t imagine the stress that is put on our children.  Famous people instagramming their outfits every day, snapchats that show your every move, twitter that tells everyone in just a few sentences what you are doing, who you are with and what you think of any topic in the world!  Scroll through Facebook and you will see the real pain and heartache that is being thrown out to the world just hoping that someone will catch that heartache and care enough about the author that they will reach out and help them.  

Back in the 70’s and 80’s we were excited to go to school, excited to see our friends, anticipate what each other was wearing or the plans we would make.  Passing notes and talking for hours in the hall about all of life’s strife were the foundation of who we were and who we would become.  Most of us didn’t have phones in our own rooms let alone in our pockets!  Conversations were held in a common area and EVERYONE in the house could hear your conversation!  Yes, most of us girls created our own code words for things and most of us begged and got a long extension cord for the phone so we could stretch it out…we thought life was grand once cordless phones came in but even then someone could pick up the other end and hear what we were saying!   

Back then I am sure that we thought what we were saying was nothing short of government secrets and hated that others could snoop in but now our children have free reign on phones being able to talk, text and photograph their whole lives for the world to see.  What stress that must be.  Kids are able to be “with” their friends at any time, Facetime allows them to see and talk to one another (just like we saw on the Jetson’s growing up).  Their definition of “with” is different than ours and we must ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with that?”

I often hear from other adults that this generation won’t be able to read body language, hear tone of voice or be able to be present with others.  I am trying to decide if this, although so different from our own experience, will be how their whole world will be and thus are they are just practicing for their adulthood?  You see, my parents didn’t grow up with phones, mine did have for a time a Party Line but I wonder what they thought of how many hours we stayed on the phone.  Mine certainly didn’t have a television as they listened to the radio for the news.  School, like mine, was a place to have friends, learn the 3 R’s (2 of which don’t even start with the letter R!) and learn how to be a good friend. 

We were able to relax, learn and play!  Education is changing, yes, and it has too! Students can now get information instantly, they can fact check in a millisecond, they can create projects with a click of a button and all while never leaving their seats.  No, they will never know the joy of a whisper only library, use a card catalog or spend hours actually photocopying, cutting to the right shape and gluing it on a piece of paper…copy/paste!  Their future is one that is changing on a daily basis, we that are of a certain age will have to go with the flow but they will be the ones that challenge, change and truly affect the way their futures will be created.

So on my mountaintop I want to scream out “Slow Down” “Stop”, in my valley I want to crawl into a ball and wake up years from now to see what has become of my children and their generation.  That is one thing I wish I had that my parents had, ease of mind that all will be fine.  Not that they didn’t worry about us, cry over us and pray for us, but they weren’t bombarded with all the things that “could” happen to us, so they let us play, they didn’t have to try and “protect” us from the world so they let us explore and skin our knees, they didn’t have to shield us from the evil in the world as our world was smaller back then.  Not all better just smaller.  

In the days, weeks, and years to come I want to slow down my own pace, I want to cherish the moments that will become memories, I want to encourage those I love to explore, wander and to get lost in the beauty that is life. Don’t hide from the world but be brave and confident that through all of these changes we have each other and we have love.

A New Year? Not necessarily a New Me.

This time of year we are encouraged...well  almost forced to make resolutions in which we will be better people.  This isn't the only time though, some in the Christian faith use the time before Easter known as Lent to also cleanse their lives of things that they deemed unwanted in their lives.  For me I believe our evaluation of our lives should be done much more regularly and much more deeply.

I have been looking at 2016 in a variety of ways, from a time to remember to a time where I will evaluate not just who I am but why I do the things I do.  I don't believe this is a new thing, but will be something that I just won't do on the surface.  You see this past year my life changed in a number of ways, some by my doing, some by others but all those things I took in and made my own. 

I do believe that most of life is a choice, a choice to accept the good as well as the bad, accept my reactions to the events of others and the choice to change my mind or mood when needed.  Some things can't be changed, but most things should be forgiven in this life.  I have decided to do just that. 

I realize some of my choices have irrevocably changed my relationships with some and for that I am sorry.  Not necessarily sorry for my choice but sorry that they couldn't see the truth of my heart.  Friends that I have had, coworkers that I thought knew me, yes, even relatives, people that should have known my heart but just didn't ask OR they asked but didn't like my answers, my life permanently changed.  I will forever have them in my heart as that is the person I am.  A person that cares deeply, a person that loves without question but also a person who hurts to the core when rejected, ignored and even misunderstood.

I don't think I am alone in this, I believe many people feel the same way and yet so many of us are taught at a young age to push down our feelings to a space that no one else can see and yet we can still feel it.  Festering and bubbling until we break emotionally.  Sometimes that break comes not at the moment we think but at a time that would surprise and shake us to the core.

This is why I am looking at 2016 as a journey not to perfection but a journey that will open my eyes to the truth of my journey.  Because it is my journey to decide where I will go, who will go with me and ultimately what I will cleanse from my life.  Notice I said what I will cleanse, not who.  I believe that the who makes us what we are.  I believe the journey is not about leaving others out or removing them my life but it is about entrusting some with my inner core and others walking alongside them in their journey.  My love runs deep, my love is not conditional and most importantly my love is free.  I believe that is what I have been called to be and that is what I will strive to be in 2016.