Thoughts of the past

Knowing that we aren't promised tomorrow always makes me take a pause, am I doing what I am called to do or am I just doing whatever is convenient?  Buying a 1972 VW Bug made my mind spin a bit! Remembering the times Jami and I had and always thinking the world as ours for the taking, how right and wrong we were!
Right that both of us ended up enjoying the life that we created for ourselves and wrong because we often wondered what would it or what should have been!  I suppose this is normal, all a part of growing up and evaluating our actions and how they have formed who we are.  There were times I would call Jami and we would just talk about what was going on and whether or not it was what we wanted. We would laugh or cry and decide that good or bad it was just where we were supposed to be at that specific time.
So back to the Bug. Sitting in it thinking about the road trips and stuck cassette tapes and yes the burning ankles during the winter...all reminded me how precious our lives are not just to those that we are in daily contact with but especially those that we have a history with and those that although our paths are in different places our hearts are untwined,
I haven't always been the best at keeping in touch with those  I care about but I know that my heart is warm with memories!
So when I see a Bug or hear one it not only reminds me of Jami but it reminds me of so many other events that make me cherish those I love.

Gut wrenching Grief

Today's sermon hit me hard.  I sat there thinking about so many that I have lost, students, friends, relatives and the hardest, relationships.  Throughout life I know that the lives I have lost through death are the ones that I can hang onto knowing that I will see them again.  It is the relationships that for me are the ones create wounds that I pick at over and over and over to the point that even I won't let them scar.
My mind reels with the words I said or the words that I should have said.  Actions that can't be taken back as they are now in the universe.  Actions that if I had to do it again, would I?  I can't relive it and I know we are not supposed to but why does my mind focus on those things?  Is it because I should call and apologize? Should I move on?  I don't know even if that would make things better or if my scars would heal.
At the foundation level I know that all I can do is my best, love others, pray for others and understand that other journeys may be different and that doesn't mean that they are wrong but just that I need to open my eyes and heart to see them more clearly.
Losing others hurts to the core whether it is to death or a loss of relationships.  I challenge myself to look inward to see how I can be better not looking outward to see how others should be.