Memories of Madness

Have you ever come across something and had an instant emotional reaction?  This has happened to me a lot in the past 6 months.  Whether it was a Lego Spider-man head, a lone sock, seeing a butterfly or even the smell of a rose.  

The heart is a funny thing that keeps a hold of memories in such a way that you can believe you are slowly moving towards healing or at least a moments where your heart forgets and the BAM!  There it is...the memories of laughter, joy and yes even sorrow come back like a flood.  I think of it as a flood and not a flash as floodwaters take a while to sink back into the ground and although they leave a trace that they were here it is unlike a flash where there is no evidence that it ever occurred.

Last night I had the most vivid dream where Jami was on a cruise ship with me.  We were laughing and running from the bottom of the ship where she was speaking French to everyone and they all were cracking up at her jokes that I had no idea what they were saying!  And then we would run up and knock on doors and invite everyone up to dinner.  It was at dinner though that I broke down crying...I wasn't sure why and no one seemed to realize that I was crying.  It seemed that I was a bystander in this dinner and yet I know I was sitting right next to her.  Jami went up and got a sheet cake and then we were off and running again asking people if they wanted a slice.  Weird right?  I mean what does it all mean?

My house felt weirdly warm this morning and I do believe that I needed this dream for a reason, I just am not too sure what for yet.  I will continue to wait and see what it means, and yet it may mean nothing but I will fight that as when our mind and hearts work together it is meant to cause us to pause and remember.

I do remember today the laughter of the children that have been in our home, Jami's joy of life and how much she meant to me, and my grandparents who had so many roses and the aroma of them brought me a centered feeling when I was there.

I have lost all three of these, the children have moved on, Jami is waiting for me in Heaven and I know my grandparents are busy smelling the roses in Heaven together.  I guess I have gained though as well.  I have gained wisdom that I am loved, that I do remember the joy and that the joy will come back around in a different form but yes, it will be back around.