Thoughts of the Journey...

We all have to start somewhere right?  But what about starting over?  Starting over doesn't mean that you did something wrong OR that you shouldn't have been where you were, it just means that it is a time that you need to make a right turn, left turn or even a U turn.  I have been thinking about this road trip that I am on.  A trip that I have been voluntarily on and a trip that with all of its peaks and valleys is one that I am grateful for.


But what is next?  Do I have a vision for my future and who shall be in the vision?  As the kids get older and begin to plan their own journeys, I wonder where I will be as well?  I am sure that right now I have a solid relationship with my husband, my faith and my friends.  I have started a job that brings me joy and a fulfillment that I haven't had in years!  I have a reconnection with not only my faith but others that share it.


I am still uncertain about so many things and wish I could get my mind to be settled, my mind not to focus on the end but the here and now.  My mind is a funny thing, I can be in a room full of people that I should feel connected to and yet feel like I am in a pit of sorrow wanting nothing more than to be freed from a shadow of despair.  Bu if I had to put my finger on what was causing the despair I would have not a clue as to what was causing it.  I seek out answers within my heart, within my writings as well as within the Bible.  I can't find solace with many things other than this journey includes this unsettlement.  So for now I shall hold onto this despair knowing that just like many of the roads I have been on it will come to a fork in the road and I will take the right or the left and the despair will go away.  For it is not the despair at all but the trial of going through it that makes me stronger even when I feel weak and utterly helpless!


So as the questions still float all around me and keep me on my toes I must focus on the here and now.  For here I have people that love me, for here I have every comfort a woman could need and here I have fulfillment in my job and home.  And there?  There is where the journey has yet gone and I will attempt to keep the mystery of the journey as well as the anxiety of what is around the corner as something to eagerly await for rather than something I dread as it is the unknown.

Thoughts of the past

Knowing that we aren't promised tomorrow always makes me take a pause, am I doing what I am called to do or am I just doing whatever is convenient?  Buying a 1972 VW Bug made my mind spin a bit! Remembering the times Jami and I had and always thinking the world as ours for the taking, how right and wrong we were!
Right that both of us ended up enjoying the life that we created for ourselves and wrong because we often wondered what would it or what should have been!  I suppose this is normal, all a part of growing up and evaluating our actions and how they have formed who we are.  There were times I would call Jami and we would just talk about what was going on and whether or not it was what we wanted. We would laugh or cry and decide that good or bad it was just where we were supposed to be at that specific time.
So back to the Bug. Sitting in it thinking about the road trips and stuck cassette tapes and yes the burning ankles during the winter...all reminded me how precious our lives are not just to those that we are in daily contact with but especially those that we have a history with and those that although our paths are in different places our hearts are untwined,
I haven't always been the best at keeping in touch with those  I care about but I know that my heart is warm with memories!
So when I see a Bug or hear one it not only reminds me of Jami but it reminds me of so many other events that make me cherish those I love.

Gut wrenching Grief

Today's sermon hit me hard.  I sat there thinking about so many that I have lost, students, friends, relatives and the hardest, relationships.  Throughout life I know that the lives I have lost through death are the ones that I can hang onto knowing that I will see them again.  It is the relationships that for me are the ones create wounds that I pick at over and over and over to the point that even I won't let them scar.
My mind reels with the words I said or the words that I should have said.  Actions that can't be taken back as they are now in the universe.  Actions that if I had to do it again, would I?  I can't relive it and I know we are not supposed to but why does my mind focus on those things?  Is it because I should call and apologize? Should I move on?  I don't know even if that would make things better or if my scars would heal.
At the foundation level I know that all I can do is my best, love others, pray for others and understand that other journeys may be different and that doesn't mean that they are wrong but just that I need to open my eyes and heart to see them more clearly.
Losing others hurts to the core whether it is to death or a loss of relationships.  I challenge myself to look inward to see how I can be better not looking outward to see how others should be.

Elementary Ephiphany

The past few years I had been struggling with not being good enough when it came to job promotions. I had over 15 years experience and being passed over by others who had no experience was like being shot in the heart! Even when it came to applying for jobs where I knew the panel and had worked closely with them and bent over back for them...I began to judge my own capabilities and wondered what the plan really was for me!

Two years ago God showed me He knew best.  I had put in for a transfer to an Elementary school but for some reason I didn't feel right about it and basically broke down emotionally in the backyard and I revoked my transfer.  At the time I had no idea that it would allow me to spend almost every weekend with my best friend and be able to be where I needed to be and not worry about learning a new job.  I will be forever thankful to the Lord for giving me that time and seeing His hand in my relationship with not only Jami but with Jonna and Kiki too!

I told my dad Friday night that this new job has truly opened my eyes to the power of God!  If you would have ever told me I would work in an elementary school I would have laughed!  Me? Work with the littles? NO WAY!  I am a colleg/career planner with a knack of finding scholarships and opportunities for all!  I am a prom planner, graduation guru and credit queen! Playground duty? Crying over not sharing? What?!? Not me!

Well, experiencing my new job the past month, I would say that after 20 years of high school memories, I am ready to make my next 20 years making elementary memories! The joy, love and hugs that I get everyday fills my heart! The littles that are sad? Yep! I have words and love for them! The littles that are mad?  Yep, I have cooling off and descalation tips for them too!  Staff?!? They are amazing too!  Can you tell I am happy? Dare I say fulfilled?  Only time will tell but for now I am contented being in the Orchard and I know that no matter what He has planned for me, He is in charge and He will make this journey perfect for me!
Psalm 18:30

Is it enough?

My Furry Family

My furry family

Growing up we always had animals; dogs, cats, a rabbit, gerbils, you name it some point I probably have had it as a pet. Right now we have 2 dogs, 3 cats, 1 hedgehog, 1 gecko, 1 turtle and a million fish!!   I love animals.  I knew at a young age I couldn't have human babies so I guess I have always treated my furry babies like they are my own babies.  I talk to them, I tickle them and have laughed and shed buckets of tears with and over them. I just don't know how to have a pet without loving them.

I know some see me as ridiculous for my attachment and frankly I don't blame them!  But it goes so deep for me as I have always had a rough time really sharing my feelings, true deep down dark feelings, with humans.  Whether it is due to the fear of rejection, disappointment or what I don't feel safe telling people how I really feel.

That is where my "babies" come in.  My furry babies are always so happy to see me and have this innate ability to know when I am sad.  This has allowed me to share with them so many things without fear.

Sometimes I feel real foolish but other times I know it is no different than a mother telling her newborn all about the world around her.  (Maybe it is but don't judge me...see I would never have to ask Rudy not to judge!!)

Today I had to go see a vet about Rudy.  He just isn't himself and has the lost a lot of his ability to use his back legs. The diagnosis isn't good but for now we are going to try to keep him pain free as much as possible and I will continue to carry him up the stairs, I want to do more but the diagnosis isn't good. Arthritis has set in like a stone to his back legs and he just won't be better. I feel like I am losing another one of my best friends, I love him and for some strange reason I know he loves me too. 

I won't be able to see him get worse without my heart breaking over and over again. I will be his support as he has been mine these last eight years.  

My furry babies give me such joy and support and I wouldn't have my life any other way!

Wrong or Right?!?

When wrong is wrong

I may be alone in this but there are times I believe what people are doing is wrong.  I could tell them but what good would it do?  In the years I have lived there have been times I have told people that I think they are wrong only to be told it isn't any of my business and they are probably right!

But isn't that what we are here for?  To help one another? Telling someone how you feel should not be seen as an attack but when it is done in love it should be seen as that, love.  I think when one is so invested in the wrong they can't see the right.  I believe God has put people in my life to help me see the wrong I  doing.

If no one tells me how can I self correct?

The hardest ones to hear we are wrong from our own loved ones...I know that is true for me!  I can have a friend call me on my wrong and it can click, a family member?  Oh no!  I need to work on that!  There are things in my life that through therapy have been coming to light and it is very uncomfortable to the point I cancelled my last appointment!  But I can't run and hide I need help to walk this walk and I need people to tell me not only when I am right but most importantly when I am wrong.

I don't  always do right and when I tell you I think you are wrong know I will only say it when I love you.

Facebook Friends

A true friend doesn't need Facebook

I was thinking today that after three days of being in bed feeling ill and sorry for myself that there were actually just a few people that even knew.  Was that a bad thing ?  No, not really but I know that if I posted something I would hear "how come you didn't tell me?"  You see I also asked myself "why would I post something anyway?" What I need is something I couldn't find on Facebook but thinking I could find support there makes me wonder ... Is that why people do that ?  Posting true yet helpless stuff brings all sorts of friends out but a true friend of mine would tell me to get up and get going.  

People that really know me know that I love to self medicate by separating myself and laying in bed trying to ignore that I am part of the world.  I just want to be left alone until I feel like I don't have to fake it to make it.

My life right now is unravelling and what I need is real talk but until I can stop lying to myself real talk won't be forthcoming.  Until I can face this and do what I know needs to get done I will be just floating in this sea with a paddle but no energy to actually use it.  I am tired and am going to make decisions that others won't understand but hopefully I will.

You see, if I were to delete Facebook I believe I know who my real friends are and those are the ones who don't wait for a posting but just know.

How much is education really worth?

Education has been on my mind a lot lately and not just because it is my job!  All this talk about Common Core, SBAC, STEM, public vs private and yes even me seeking a possible PhD.  It has me thinking about what the purpose of education really is.  Trust me, thanks to Google I could find thousands of quotes on the topic but I am not looking for a cute saying or an excerpt from a philosopher or worse a politician!

I just think it is time to really evaluate what education means to each of us and it's worth to our human society.  I hear the rumors about free Community College and I say "why not?"  I want the best of the best in every field and I know way too many that are limited due to finances or the fear of the unknown.  Other countries can do this why not the greatest country in the world?  Why is it that we feel everyone has to pay in order for things to be "fair" or valuable?

I am beginning to think a true overhaul of the educational system is on order and why not today?  Let's start the conversation and let's keep it centered on what is not only best for students but what is best for our nation in the long term.  Education shouldn't have a dollar amount tied to it!💲

The Davis Farm

Got a new pet this week, why? Because it didn't have a home and probably because I wanted to. In this new journey of mine I find myself doing more and more of that, giving into or or being aware of my wants.  I wanted it, I could take it and so I did.

You see I spend a lot of time wondering "what if" and not that I want to be foolish but I want to be fulfilled.

Whether it is with better food, better drinks or better conversations I want better.  Some people may say that is selfish but we are not promised tomorrow and why not live for today?  Again I don't plan on going out guns blazing but my weapon will be drawn and will be sighted on my targets. I refuse to be caught sleeping and if that means the Davis farm will be growing so be it!  

Family Ties

What is family?  I suppose Webster has a definition but my family has never fit the definition of anything but crazy, certifiable crazy.  Visiting my niece Cora this past weekend reminded me that family is complicated. Complicated as we share DNA, common foundation and family stories but other than that, what?

Hurt feelings, miscommunication and distrust? Yep.  Joy, laughter and comfort? Yep, that too. 

Why can't we live with both?  For me, it is simple, I deserve better.  If you say you love me unconditionally then do it.  Call me on my BS but wrap it with love not hypocrisy,  don't cast stones at other family members and then expect me not to think I am a target too.

I wouldn't put up with that with me friends, who I have selected so I certainly shouldn't take it from a family member right ? 

I believe in water under the bridge, I believe time heals some wounds and I believe in most of all unconditional love even if you don't.  The thing with my family, you see, is that I will be spending eternity with most if not all of them so I feel convicted to do something, the only thing I can do, pray.  

Pray for those that do the hurting as well as those that are hurting because if I am honest I have been on both sides of the hurt.  I tend to believe someone prayed for me, prayed for wisdom and clarity of my words as well as comfort and healing for my hurt.

I love my family, all of them, I may not always like what they do or say but when all is said and done I love them.  I am not sure if some days that makes me a fool, I know it doesn't make me a saint but hopefully through it all I can be Christ-like. That is a powerful order but I am going to try, I want to know  my prayers are fervent and true and that even if my family isn't to be "healed" or "healthy" my family is mine and I have done right by them.

Is this it?

Every time I drive to work I am met with a big poster that says, "Life, is this all there is?"  I began to wonder...what if it is?  Don't get me wrong I believe in God, Heaven and an eternity with my Lord and Savior BUT what I am talking about is this life, life here on Earth. 
You see I have never really seen myself as a glass looker; half full or half empty?  Isn't it really the same?  I have tried my daily best with being a wife, step-mom, daughter, sister and aunt but often wonder, am I doing what others are needing/wanting me to do?  I have days where I am all but resentful of the things I have to do  for others and then the days where I don't have responsibilities I am almost melancholy with the idea that I am not needed or wanted.  What is that?  That is me!
Whether it is the turning of the key at school not knowing what is waiting for me or hearing the phone ring and not knowing who could possibly be calling or what they want.  In my mind I feel like I am someone that wants to give, give what I can but what about me?  Escaping this weekend I feel like a butterfly coming out of her cocoon, not because I have been caged in anyway but because I am morphing into someone that can go and do on their own.
How did I get here?  I was a woman all on my own and all the freedom I could ever want, now I am a woman that has a job, family and responsibilities...I want a balance of all these things, I don't want to regret, resent or run away.
You see, I guess all people must feel that way but I don't want to feel that way.  I want to feel level with my emotions, I want to feel balanced in my feelings, I want to feel empowered not exhausted.  So when all is said and done, I am hungry for the next day not dreading what might be.
Is that too much?  Is that just "normal" for here on Earth?

I want to be passionate again, I want to feel on fire for life, I want more. 

Start of a new year?

2015 is going to be an interesting year, going to keep that in the front of my mind so that when things happen I can just say..."hmmmm, that's interesting!"  As I look at Rudy snoring here on the couch with me I think about how long it has been since I started the last journey of mine.   Meaning that Rudy is  the symbol I often think of when I think of Chris and I getting married.  We actually got Rudy our 2nd year of marriage and so seeing him greying I know that I too am greying and snoring through some of my own experiences. 
I want this year to be one that I can look back and not only see the good and the bad but how that I have grown emotionally through it all.  My journey won't be one that I will make alone but it will be one that I will have  to make my own decisions on how I react to the experiences and more importantly I react to those around me.  I am not an open book, I am not one who can hide my feelings and yet these two are the things that I think help protect me and my core of  who I am. 
I want adventures and yet I don't want conflicts, I want freedom and yet I want my security, I want...well, even this year I would have to admit I don't know what I really want.  My hope is a new job, my hope are amazing adventures, my hope is happiness.  Happiness will not come with things but will come with knowing that I have done my best with those around me and that I have loved much and have loved often. 
So bring it on 2015...just kidding.  Don't bring anything on, just let me experience the life that I was meant to experience with those that love me.