My Furry Family

My furry family

Growing up we always had animals; dogs, cats, a rabbit, gerbils, you name it some point I probably have had it as a pet. Right now we have 2 dogs, 3 cats, 1 hedgehog, 1 gecko, 1 turtle and a million fish!!   I love animals.  I knew at a young age I couldn't have human babies so I guess I have always treated my furry babies like they are my own babies.  I talk to them, I tickle them and have laughed and shed buckets of tears with and over them. I just don't know how to have a pet without loving them.

I know some see me as ridiculous for my attachment and frankly I don't blame them!  But it goes so deep for me as I have always had a rough time really sharing my feelings, true deep down dark feelings, with humans.  Whether it is due to the fear of rejection, disappointment or what I don't feel safe telling people how I really feel.

That is where my "babies" come in.  My furry babies are always so happy to see me and have this innate ability to know when I am sad.  This has allowed me to share with them so many things without fear.

Sometimes I feel real foolish but other times I know it is no different than a mother telling her newborn all about the world around her.  (Maybe it is but don't judge me...see I would never have to ask Rudy not to judge!!)

Today I had to go see a vet about Rudy.  He just isn't himself and has the lost a lot of his ability to use his back legs. The diagnosis isn't good but for now we are going to try to keep him pain free as much as possible and I will continue to carry him up the stairs, I want to do more but the diagnosis isn't good. Arthritis has set in like a stone to his back legs and he just won't be better. I feel like I am losing another one of my best friends, I love him and for some strange reason I know he loves me too. 

I won't be able to see him get worse without my heart breaking over and over again. I will be his support as he has been mine these last eight years.  

My furry babies give me such joy and support and I wouldn't have my life any other way!

Wrong or Right?!?

When wrong is wrong

I may be alone in this but there are times I believe what people are doing is wrong.  I could tell them but what good would it do?  In the years I have lived there have been times I have told people that I think they are wrong only to be told it isn't any of my business and they are probably right!

But isn't that what we are here for?  To help one another? Telling someone how you feel should not be seen as an attack but when it is done in love it should be seen as that, love.  I think when one is so invested in the wrong they can't see the right.  I believe God has put people in my life to help me see the wrong I  doing.

If no one tells me how can I self correct?

The hardest ones to hear we are wrong from our own loved ones...I know that is true for me!  I can have a friend call me on my wrong and it can click, a family member?  Oh no!  I need to work on that!  There are things in my life that through therapy have been coming to light and it is very uncomfortable to the point I cancelled my last appointment!  But I can't run and hide I need help to walk this walk and I need people to tell me not only when I am right but most importantly when I am wrong.

I don't  always do right and when I tell you I think you are wrong know I will only say it when I love you.

Facebook Friends

A true friend doesn't need Facebook

I was thinking today that after three days of being in bed feeling ill and sorry for myself that there were actually just a few people that even knew.  Was that a bad thing ?  No, not really but I know that if I posted something I would hear "how come you didn't tell me?"  You see I also asked myself "why would I post something anyway?" What I need is something I couldn't find on Facebook but thinking I could find support there makes me wonder ... Is that why people do that ?  Posting true yet helpless stuff brings all sorts of friends out but a true friend of mine would tell me to get up and get going.  

People that really know me know that I love to self medicate by separating myself and laying in bed trying to ignore that I am part of the world.  I just want to be left alone until I feel like I don't have to fake it to make it.

My life right now is unravelling and what I need is real talk but until I can stop lying to myself real talk won't be forthcoming.  Until I can face this and do what I know needs to get done I will be just floating in this sea with a paddle but no energy to actually use it.  I am tired and am going to make decisions that others won't understand but hopefully I will.

You see, if I were to delete Facebook I believe I know who my real friends are and those are the ones who don't wait for a posting but just know.