Have you ever come across something and had an instant emotional reaction? This has happened to me a lot in the past 6 months. Whether it was a Lego Spider-man head, a lone sock, seeing a butterfly or even the smell of a rose.
The heart is a funny thing that keeps a hold of memories in such a way that you can believe you are slowly moving towards healing or at least a moments where your heart forgets and the BAM! There it is...the memories of laughter, joy and yes even sorrow come back like a flood. I think of it as a flood and not a flash as floodwaters take a while to sink back into the ground and although they leave a trace that they were here it is unlike a flash where there is no evidence that it ever occurred.
Last night I had the most vivid dream where Jami was on a cruise ship with me. We were laughing and running from the bottom of the ship where she was speaking French to everyone and they all were cracking up at her jokes that I had no idea what they were saying! And then we would run up and knock on doors and invite everyone up to dinner. It was at dinner though that I broke down crying...I wasn't sure why and no one seemed to realize that I was crying. It seemed that I was a bystander in this dinner and yet I know I was sitting right next to her. Jami went up and got a sheet cake and then we were off and running again asking people if they wanted a slice. Weird right? I mean what does it all mean?
My house felt weirdly warm this morning and I do believe that I needed this dream for a reason, I just am not too sure what for yet. I will continue to wait and see what it means, and yet it may mean nothing but I will fight that as when our mind and hearts work together it is meant to cause us to pause and remember.
I do remember today the laughter of the children that have been in our home, Jami's joy of life and how much she meant to me, and my grandparents who had so many roses and the aroma of them brought me a centered feeling when I was there.
I have lost all three of these, the children have moved on, Jami is waiting for me in Heaven and I know my grandparents are busy smelling the roses in Heaven together. I guess I have gained though as well. I have gained wisdom that I am loved, that I do remember the joy and that the joy will come back around in a different form but yes, it will be back around.
The other day as we were traveling to yet another lacrosse game it came to mind that life is filled with wonders but also woes. I have dear friends that have lost children, I can not think of a deeper wound that one could never recover from. Loss of friends (check), loss of pets (check), loss of a child ( ). Unfortunately some can check that box. When a woman gives birth it must be the most amazing thing ever. I for one wasn't one of those women that could give birth, some feel sorry for me and others are confused as to why I didn't fight, get tests, etc. all I can say is that it is what it is. After walking the path with these mothers and seeing firsthand the devastation of the loss all I can say is that there are no words.
Working in an elementary school now, my heart and eyes have been opened far more to the needs and physical touch that children need. Whether it is from a parent or from another adult, none can be without and be whole. That is what a child gives to us. That unconditional need to be wanted and loved. The loss of that child doesn't stop us from wanting and needing to love them, there is just this hole of what was. I can see it in my friend's eyes, I can hear it in their words, there is a loss, a loss that no words can repair.
I wonder how they get up in the morning, I wonder how they cling to their other children, I wonder if they ever stop looking for their child in the crowds that surround them. How their heads must ache with the passing of time of what should have been, what could have been if only...
To be a friend is not a passing thing. It is not a mere moment in time, it is the work of one heart to another to carry the other through the tough times and to walk alongside them when all others walk away. This is a tough one as time marches on for all of us, whether we like it or not. One of our lives seems stuck in quicksand feeling like we are being swallowed whole second by second while the other person is marching on with their necessary duties. Being stuck is not the problem, it is feeling like everyone else has moved on.
To my friends I would say that I haven't moved on, you are in my daily thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers are not enough, I know, and all my life I will do my best to do right by you. The time we do have with one another should be one of wonder and joy but when heartache and headaches come, let's cling to one another, let's make sure we know we have reached out and we have been loved. Love is not fleeting, true love stands the test of time and that is how I love and remember those that have lost. Loss of the gift that was given for just a time but leaves the memories of a lifetime, tears and memories that keep the heart beating through the heartache.
