I know that there is a time and place for everything but lately my mind and emotions are nearly drained on a regular basis. There are many things that take up the time and space are things that are out of my control. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for many people but when it comes to myself I am at the bottom of the totem pole AND if I was truly honest with myself I believe I am at the bottom of the totem pole of the other people in my life. Whether it is by words, actions or just my own perceptions I just want to sleep and eat...you can tell by my weight gain that I haven't cared an iota for myself. Eating my feelings so that others can't see how my heart aches.
I am forever scheduling around other people's wants and needs, back burner for the things that I want to do and sometimes even what I need to do! Maybe it is all the years where I just took on the role of the taxi driver, party planner, team mom and coach...I loved all of those moments and maybe just due to my own barren womb it was sometimes met with a mix of emotions. People could slap in my face the whole "You knew what you were getting into...", this isn't about the kids though, it's not. It's 100% about me. I don't think it hit me until the oldest moved out that I don't have one that will always be with me. Now with the youngest one making plans for the future I think the writing on the wall got even bigger...neon in fact. Being a Childless Stepmom (yes, I didn't even know that there was a term for that!) I realized that there is a chance that my life could be one that I couldn't even imagine! You see, when things aren't what is expected the stress level increases to the point that all I want to do is cuddle with the dog. I often wonder if my heart wouldn't ache so much if I never knew what having a child in my home felt like. I never knew real love until I got married and was lucky enough to have 2 step kids BUT I never knew real heartache either until those two things happened either!
You see it is about my heart, my emotions and my terribly mixed up mind that swirls with the "what ifs". I just want peace, peace of mind and body. If I could only just still my mind, still my soul and figure out what needs to happen so that I can look into the space of time and not be so nauseatingly nervous. Nervous about whether or not our foundation is strong enough, nervous about if I will be needed or wanted as a step-parent, nervous about the uncertainly that is in my mind. What if I do or say something that will drive a wedge between what I love more than anything?
This season of the holidays I am mindful of the picture perfect image of so many of us, of so many families and although I don't want to invite everyone to this pity party of mine, I know in my heart that I am not the only one that feels this way, I just want what my heart needs, peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment