I was thinking today that after three days of being in bed feeling ill and sorry for myself that there were actually just a few people that even knew. Was that a bad thing ? No, not really but I know that if I posted something I would hear "how come you didn't tell me?" You see I also asked myself "why would I post something anyway?" What I need is something I couldn't find on Facebook but thinking I could find support there makes me wonder ... Is that why people do that ? Posting true yet helpless stuff brings all sorts of friends out but a true friend of mine would tell me to get up and get going.
People that really know me know that I love to self medicate by separating myself and laying in bed trying to ignore that I am part of the world. I just want to be left alone until I feel like I don't have to fake it to make it.
My life right now is unravelling and what I need is real talk but until I can stop lying to myself real talk won't be forthcoming. Until I can face this and do what I know needs to get done I will be just floating in this sea with a paddle but no energy to actually use it. I am tired and am going to make decisions that others won't understand but hopefully I will.
You see, if I were to delete Facebook I believe I know who my real friends are and those are the ones who don't wait for a posting but just know.
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