Memories of Madness

Have you ever come across something and had an instant emotional reaction?  This has happened to me a lot in the past 6 months.  Whether it was a Lego Spider-man head, a lone sock, seeing a butterfly or even the smell of a rose.  

The heart is a funny thing that keeps a hold of memories in such a way that you can believe you are slowly moving towards healing or at least a moments where your heart forgets and the BAM!  There it is...the memories of laughter, joy and yes even sorrow come back like a flood.  I think of it as a flood and not a flash as floodwaters take a while to sink back into the ground and although they leave a trace that they were here it is unlike a flash where there is no evidence that it ever occurred.

Last night I had the most vivid dream where Jami was on a cruise ship with me.  We were laughing and running from the bottom of the ship where she was speaking French to everyone and they all were cracking up at her jokes that I had no idea what they were saying!  And then we would run up and knock on doors and invite everyone up to dinner.  It was at dinner though that I broke down crying...I wasn't sure why and no one seemed to realize that I was crying.  It seemed that I was a bystander in this dinner and yet I know I was sitting right next to her.  Jami went up and got a sheet cake and then we were off and running again asking people if they wanted a slice.  Weird right?  I mean what does it all mean?

My house felt weirdly warm this morning and I do believe that I needed this dream for a reason, I just am not too sure what for yet.  I will continue to wait and see what it means, and yet it may mean nothing but I will fight that as when our mind and hearts work together it is meant to cause us to pause and remember.

I do remember today the laughter of the children that have been in our home, Jami's joy of life and how much she meant to me, and my grandparents who had so many roses and the aroma of them brought me a centered feeling when I was there.

I have lost all three of these, the children have moved on, Jami is waiting for me in Heaven and I know my grandparents are busy smelling the roses in Heaven together.  I guess I have gained though as well.  I have gained wisdom that I am loved, that I do remember the joy and that the joy will come back around in a different form but yes, it will be back around.

Heartaches and headaches

The other day as we were traveling to yet another lacrosse game it came to mind that life is filled with wonders but also woes.  I have dear friends that have lost children, I can not think of a deeper wound that one could never recover from.  Loss of friends (check), loss of pets (check), loss of a child (       ).  Unfortunately some can check that box.  When a woman gives birth it must be the most amazing thing ever.  I for one wasn't one of those women that could give birth, some feel sorry for me and others are confused as to why I didn't fight, get tests, etc.  all I can say is that it is what it is.  After walking the path with these mothers and seeing firsthand the devastation of the loss all I can say is that there are no words.
Working in an elementary school now, my heart and eyes have been opened far more to the needs and physical touch that children need.  Whether it is from a parent or from another adult, none can be without and be whole.  That is what a child gives to us.  That unconditional need to be wanted and loved.  The loss of that child doesn't stop us from wanting and needing to love them, there is just this hole of what was.  I can see it in my friend's eyes, I can hear it in their words, there is a loss, a loss that no words can repair.  
I wonder how they get up in the morning, I wonder how they cling to their other children, I wonder if they ever stop looking for their child in the crowds that surround them.  How their heads must ache with the passing of time of what should have been, what could have been if only...
To be a friend is not a passing thing.  It is not a mere moment in time, it is the work of one heart to another to carry the other through the tough times and to walk alongside them when all others walk away.  This is a tough one as time marches on for all of us, whether we like it or not.  One of our lives seems stuck in quicksand feeling like we are being swallowed whole second by second while the other person is marching on with their necessary duties.  Being stuck is not the problem, it is feeling like everyone else has moved on.  

To my friends I would say that I haven't moved on, you are in my daily thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers are  not enough, I know, and all my life I will do my best to do right by you.  The time we do have with one another should be one of wonder and joy but when heartache and headaches come, let's cling to one another, let's make sure we know we have reached out and we have been loved.  Love is not fleeting, true love stands the test of time and that is how I love and remember those that have lost.  Loss of the gift that was given for just a time but leaves the memories of a lifetime, tears and memories that keep the heart beating through the heartache.

Where I am or where I should be?

Why does love hurt?

Love hurts in so many ways.  From an unanswered prayer to a roll of the eyes to a phone call not returned.  Love also hurts for me when another is hurting and I can't do anything about it.  I try and be there for people when they need me and to be honest there are times people don't need me they just need an ear to hear or another's arms to hug them.  Children for me are the ones that make my heart ache he most.  They are innocent victims to broken vows in a marriage, cancer striking a loved one or abuse that can not be explained.  Children are the ones that I know Jesus loves the most:

Mark 10:13-16

And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.

Jesus even encouraged us to  come to Him as children!  What does that exactly mean?  To me it means to go with no expectations, to go with an open heart, to go with pure love, a love that even when it is not returned or when it is abused, continues to love.

Working with abused children I have thought many times, "Why don't they hate their parent?"  It is because I believe children aren't born with this ability.  They must be taught to hate, to resent and ultimately to dispose of people.  These lessons turn us into the people we ultimately end up to be, hurt, devastated and guarded.  This is true across the multiple cultures we all live in.  The love of a father or mother to their children can not be replaced.

So as adults we can do our best all the while remembering that in all that we do and say we must be layering upon layering the true love, the undefiled love, the love that is full of grace not only unto those little ones around us but to each other.  For the eyes and ears of the little ones will be in just moments reenacting what they just saw and heard and I for one want a world that is full of grace and love not hurt and judgements.

In all, I believe love hurts because we care.  If we cease to care, we cease to love. 

 

Devastation Days

These are tough days. Whether it is the dark and cloudy weather, the stress of the days or memories of easier and younger days.  I dread these days, dread the memories and want only to rewind time and make things not what they are. I know it is not possible but I just want to crawl in bed and not come out until the first day of Spring.

Thought of the Day

Lessons in Life

I am not too sure what age I am going to be when I will finally learn that life is not meant to be an easy one.  There will be people that come and go, some that will leaving lasting memories and some that will leave lasting scars.  I never know which is which until time pasts and I can clearly see what impact they had on me.  The question is what impact did I have on them?  You see we never know that one!  We may guess that we were the one wronged, the one that was hurt, the one that in the end did no wrong...but do we ever ask that person?  Do we ever try to reconcile appropriately?  And how exactly do we do that?

You see I have that question in my heart today.  My question being what steps do I take?  What if there is no reconciliation?  What if there is no turning back and that person doesn't want me back? What then?  Is it easier just to walk away?  Turn your back and not ask the question?

I don't want to be the one that leaves scars.  I want to be the one that when people think of me they think of joy and happiness with a dash of adventure.  I don't want to be the one that their only memories are of disappointment, distrust and hurt.  I am not perfect, no one is bu I do want to be one that is allowed the opportunity to ask forgiveness as well reconciliation.  I don't know that everyone deserves forgiveness, Lord knows that there are things that people do that don't deserve any kind of grace or love.  My hope and prayer is that I never do something so heinous that I would be denied reentry in someone's life. 

If I have done such a thing I can only pray that I would be given the opportunity to beg forgiveness.

You see this is a question I have asked for years...this is a question that I believe many ask but only internally.  Asking this question outwardly opens one up to hearing what we don't or what we fear will be said.

I am going to take a leap of faith and begin this year to ask what it will take to to get that reconciliation, even if it means hearing the words I don't want to hear or the words I fear the most.