Where I am or where I should be?

Why does love hurt?

Love hurts in so many ways.  From an unanswered prayer to a roll of the eyes to a phone call not returned.  Love also hurts for me when another is hurting and I can't do anything about it.  I try and be there for people when they need me and to be honest there are times people don't need me they just need an ear to hear or another's arms to hug them.  Children for me are the ones that make my heart ache he most.  They are innocent victims to broken vows in a marriage, cancer striking a loved one or abuse that can not be explained.  Children are the ones that I know Jesus loves the most:

Mark 10:13-16

And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.

Jesus even encouraged us to  come to Him as children!  What does that exactly mean?  To me it means to go with no expectations, to go with an open heart, to go with pure love, a love that even when it is not returned or when it is abused, continues to love.

Working with abused children I have thought many times, "Why don't they hate their parent?"  It is because I believe children aren't born with this ability.  They must be taught to hate, to resent and ultimately to dispose of people.  These lessons turn us into the people we ultimately end up to be, hurt, devastated and guarded.  This is true across the multiple cultures we all live in.  The love of a father or mother to their children can not be replaced.

So as adults we can do our best all the while remembering that in all that we do and say we must be layering upon layering the true love, the undefiled love, the love that is full of grace not only unto those little ones around us but to each other.  For the eyes and ears of the little ones will be in just moments reenacting what they just saw and heard and I for one want a world that is full of grace and love not hurt and judgements.

In all, I believe love hurts because we care.  If we cease to care, we cease to love. 

 

Devastation Days

These are tough days. Whether it is the dark and cloudy weather, the stress of the days or memories of easier and younger days.  I dread these days, dread the memories and want only to rewind time and make things not what they are. I know it is not possible but I just want to crawl in bed and not come out until the first day of Spring.

Thought of the Day

Lessons in Life

I am not too sure what age I am going to be when I will finally learn that life is not meant to be an easy one.  There will be people that come and go, some that will leaving lasting memories and some that will leave lasting scars.  I never know which is which until time pasts and I can clearly see what impact they had on me.  The question is what impact did I have on them?  You see we never know that one!  We may guess that we were the one wronged, the one that was hurt, the one that in the end did no wrong...but do we ever ask that person?  Do we ever try to reconcile appropriately?  And how exactly do we do that?

You see I have that question in my heart today.  My question being what steps do I take?  What if there is no reconciliation?  What if there is no turning back and that person doesn't want me back? What then?  Is it easier just to walk away?  Turn your back and not ask the question?

I don't want to be the one that leaves scars.  I want to be the one that when people think of me they think of joy and happiness with a dash of adventure.  I don't want to be the one that their only memories are of disappointment, distrust and hurt.  I am not perfect, no one is bu I do want to be one that is allowed the opportunity to ask forgiveness as well reconciliation.  I don't know that everyone deserves forgiveness, Lord knows that there are things that people do that don't deserve any kind of grace or love.  My hope and prayer is that I never do something so heinous that I would be denied reentry in someone's life. 

If I have done such a thing I can only pray that I would be given the opportunity to beg forgiveness.

You see this is a question I have asked for years...this is a question that I believe many ask but only internally.  Asking this question outwardly opens one up to hearing what we don't or what we fear will be said.

I am going to take a leap of faith and begin this year to ask what it will take to to get that reconciliation, even if it means hearing the words I don't want to hear or the words I fear the most.

Mt top or Valley?

Why is it that there are days that I want to scream from the mountaintop and other days I want to lay low in the valley?  There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason although they both hurt equally when I realize that we aren’t meant to scream or to hide.  I remember growing up in a day that we were not bombarded with every bit of information out there.  We were able to get away from the every care of the world, enter our homes and be still.  Playing outside with friends, waiting until the streetlights came on and dinners that didn’t come out of a bag, that was my childhood.  All was not perfect though, some of us had deaths, cancer and abuse but as children we were limited to the amount of grief and information that was deemed healthy by our parents.

Today’s children are raised differently, really by no fault of society, parents or their own! They live in a world where the news never stops.  That means playing out in the street is dangerous, dinners out of a bag allows parents to drive their children to their many events and the death, cancer and abuse?  That is everywhere whether it be in video games, social media or the television, all seem never to shut off.  Babies that know how to swipe a phone with their finger to get to the next app, level or photo are being raised in a day and age where they will never know what it is like to be unplugged.  Schools even come to a halt when the internet is down!  Children are diagnosed with every kind of anxiety, allergy and behavior disorder and parents are grasping at straws to keep it all together knowing that even marriages are disposable and a majority of them statistically won’t make it.

This is a heavy order for all of us to take in.  Technology is not evil, the world is not evil, it is just different.  I often remark that my parents didn’t know where I was from 6am to 6pm but they trusted the people and the neighborhood to keep me from harm.  They trusted that the roots they planted in me would be what would keep me from wavering and most of all they trusted the world that they lived in.  My parents trusted that when I said I was going to Jami’s house that is where I went!  There wasn’t a way for them to gps me or to text me, they could have called but I am guessing they never did.  I knew that if I lied to them that there would be a breakdown of trust and I didn’t want to know what the consequences would have been.  Now, did I ever go where I wasn’t supposed to? Probably!  I of course would have been caught or found out but today’s kids have not only their parents watching their every move but also society and the world.

There is an ecard floating around that states “I am so thankful I did all my stupid stuff before the internet!”  How true!  No evidence could ever have been found unless my teacher or parent found a note that was written about what happened!  Film had to be developed and even then some photos were so grainy that they were thrown away!  I, as a 44 year old, feel such pressure at times to look a certain way, say the right words or to own the perfect thing so I can’t imagine the stress that is put on our children.  Famous people instagramming their outfits every day, snapchats that show your every move, twitter that tells everyone in just a few sentences what you are doing, who you are with and what you think of any topic in the world!  Scroll through Facebook and you will see the real pain and heartache that is being thrown out to the world just hoping that someone will catch that heartache and care enough about the author that they will reach out and help them.  

Back in the 70’s and 80’s we were excited to go to school, excited to see our friends, anticipate what each other was wearing or the plans we would make.  Passing notes and talking for hours in the hall about all of life’s strife were the foundation of who we were and who we would become.  Most of us didn’t have phones in our own rooms let alone in our pockets!  Conversations were held in a common area and EVERYONE in the house could hear your conversation!  Yes, most of us girls created our own code words for things and most of us begged and got a long extension cord for the phone so we could stretch it out…we thought life was grand once cordless phones came in but even then someone could pick up the other end and hear what we were saying!   

Back then I am sure that we thought what we were saying was nothing short of government secrets and hated that others could snoop in but now our children have free reign on phones being able to talk, text and photograph their whole lives for the world to see.  What stress that must be.  Kids are able to be “with” their friends at any time, Facetime allows them to see and talk to one another (just like we saw on the Jetson’s growing up).  Their definition of “with” is different than ours and we must ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with that?”

I often hear from other adults that this generation won’t be able to read body language, hear tone of voice or be able to be present with others.  I am trying to decide if this, although so different from our own experience, will be how their whole world will be and thus are they are just practicing for their adulthood?  You see, my parents didn’t grow up with phones, mine did have for a time a Party Line but I wonder what they thought of how many hours we stayed on the phone.  Mine certainly didn’t have a television as they listened to the radio for the news.  School, like mine, was a place to have friends, learn the 3 R’s (2 of which don’t even start with the letter R!) and learn how to be a good friend. 

We were able to relax, learn and play!  Education is changing, yes, and it has too! Students can now get information instantly, they can fact check in a millisecond, they can create projects with a click of a button and all while never leaving their seats.  No, they will never know the joy of a whisper only library, use a card catalog or spend hours actually photocopying, cutting to the right shape and gluing it on a piece of paper…copy/paste!  Their future is one that is changing on a daily basis, we that are of a certain age will have to go with the flow but they will be the ones that challenge, change and truly affect the way their futures will be created.

So on my mountaintop I want to scream out “Slow Down” “Stop”, in my valley I want to crawl into a ball and wake up years from now to see what has become of my children and their generation.  That is one thing I wish I had that my parents had, ease of mind that all will be fine.  Not that they didn’t worry about us, cry over us and pray for us, but they weren’t bombarded with all the things that “could” happen to us, so they let us play, they didn’t have to try and “protect” us from the world so they let us explore and skin our knees, they didn’t have to shield us from the evil in the world as our world was smaller back then.  Not all better just smaller.  

In the days, weeks, and years to come I want to slow down my own pace, I want to cherish the moments that will become memories, I want to encourage those I love to explore, wander and to get lost in the beauty that is life. Don’t hide from the world but be brave and confident that through all of these changes we have each other and we have love.

A New Year? Not necessarily a New Me.

This time of year we are encouraged...well  almost forced to make resolutions in which we will be better people.  This isn't the only time though, some in the Christian faith use the time before Easter known as Lent to also cleanse their lives of things that they deemed unwanted in their lives.  For me I believe our evaluation of our lives should be done much more regularly and much more deeply.

I have been looking at 2016 in a variety of ways, from a time to remember to a time where I will evaluate not just who I am but why I do the things I do.  I don't believe this is a new thing, but will be something that I just won't do on the surface.  You see this past year my life changed in a number of ways, some by my doing, some by others but all those things I took in and made my own. 

I do believe that most of life is a choice, a choice to accept the good as well as the bad, accept my reactions to the events of others and the choice to change my mind or mood when needed.  Some things can't be changed, but most things should be forgiven in this life.  I have decided to do just that. 

I realize some of my choices have irrevocably changed my relationships with some and for that I am sorry.  Not necessarily sorry for my choice but sorry that they couldn't see the truth of my heart.  Friends that I have had, coworkers that I thought knew me, yes, even relatives, people that should have known my heart but just didn't ask OR they asked but didn't like my answers, my life permanently changed.  I will forever have them in my heart as that is the person I am.  A person that cares deeply, a person that loves without question but also a person who hurts to the core when rejected, ignored and even misunderstood.

I don't think I am alone in this, I believe many people feel the same way and yet so many of us are taught at a young age to push down our feelings to a space that no one else can see and yet we can still feel it.  Festering and bubbling until we break emotionally.  Sometimes that break comes not at the moment we think but at a time that would surprise and shake us to the core.

This is why I am looking at 2016 as a journey not to perfection but a journey that will open my eyes to the truth of my journey.  Because it is my journey to decide where I will go, who will go with me and ultimately what I will cleanse from my life.  Notice I said what I will cleanse, not who.  I believe that the who makes us what we are.  I believe the journey is not about leaving others out or removing them my life but it is about entrusting some with my inner core and others walking alongside them in their journey.  My love runs deep, my love is not conditional and most importantly my love is free.  I believe that is what I have been called to be and that is what I will strive to be in 2016.